How does perfectionism affect your relationship with yourself?

Our connection with ourselves is one of the most significant bonds we will ever experience. It is the most enduring companionship we'll have. Just because it occurs within our minds doesn't make it any less genuine.

There's no reason why we can't engage with our self-talk, treat ourselves nicely, and even show some love.

No one wants to have a negative relationship with themselves, but let's be honest, we are all guilty of it sometimes, right?

The problem with our relationship is that it takes place internally. When we don’t express our feelings, it is easy to get trapped in our little heads. We take our thoughts and feelings as gospel. But just because we think it does not mean they are true. 

Perfectionists tend to find it hard to express their true feelings. It happens to many of us, it takes a lot of trust and effort. We have learned to be appreciated for what we do, not for what we are.

There is always the fear that they might not like us if they knew us for what we are. This chain of thought puts enormous pressure on us to be the best we can be.

And that would make sense, right? Who would want to feel rejected?

Are you taking it out on yourself? 

Inadvertently, we start treating ourselves accordingly. We only like ourselves if we do an outstanding job. Our worth is based on how “perfect” we manage to be and how much appreciation we get.

Our fear of failure pushes us to have high standards and not make mistakes. This is problematic for several reasons:

1. Are we ever “perfect enough”? Not really. We are very rarely satisfied with our performance. It is never enough. This attitude keeps us in a negative loop where the expectation to bring our A game is constant. As a consequence, we feel pressure, tension and lack of self-appreciation.

2. Mistakes are part of the process. That is how we learn. Adding pressure to avoid them will only create tension. I know it might not feel that way, but mistakes only highlight your human nature, not our imperfection, even the best of us make them.  

3. Another aspect that makes it troublesome is our way of treating ourselves. In moments of difficulty, we often fail to acknowledge it. We expect that we should be able to cope with it as if nothing had happened. This can lead us to lash out and be angry at ourselves. 

I was over the moon when I discovered I was going to Bogota to launch a new project. The working conditions were excellent, and moving to Colombia sounded like a dream.

A multinational Spanish company in the telecommunication sector wanted to centralise their customer service in South America. My role was to ensure our new starters were ready to provide excellent service.

The obstacles seemed to stretch endlessly ahead of us. Every member of our team was new. We had three weeks to dive into an entire month's worth of material and grasp every ounce of knowledge.

Not only did we have to familiarize ourselves with an extensive range of products, but we also had to become skilled in various systems that were foreign to us. Speaking the same language with different cultural references led to several misunderstandings.

I didn’t notice it then, but I was being quite harsh on myself. I would work many extra hours to learn the materials. The internal pressure to control the situation made me sleep very little time.

I would not allow myself to rest or spend any time enjoying or having fun. I would feel irritated and engage in self-criticism. I would blame myself for not reaching my expectations, which were set unrealistically in the first place. 

It is interesting. As I write down my thoughts, I clearly see why I would feel so stressed. I was so deeply engrossed in the drama that I didn’t realise how my attitude was making things worse. 

Signs that you are taking it out on yourself: 

• There are no signs of being understanding.

• You think you should have known better and prevented your obstacles. 

• You are feeling mad at yourself, and you blame yourself for what’s happening, even though it might have nothing to do with you. 

• You are not giving yourself any space for enjoyment and fun.

Are you being unfair to yourself?

It is interesting how fairness holds significant value for a lot of us. Observing any unfairness can stir up emotions and lead us to express ourselves candidly with others, provoking a genuine response.

Speaking up for ourselves may not come easy, but rest assured, we will never hesitate to stand up for others if we sense any mistreatment towards them. 

We develop a strong sense of justice that influences our opinions and leads our decisions. It gets to a point where if we need to split a cake, all slides must be equal. 

It is fascinating because, as much as I care to be fair and treat everyone in the same way, I realised I don't hold myself to the same standards. Does that happen to you?

It is very subtle. Our minds will create a million distractions and excuses to ignore it. But the truth is that we might be very unfair to ourselves. I know this can be a bit difficult to see. 

Let’s go back to the example before. With time and distance, I can see how badly I was treating myself.

How can you not expect misunderstandings if we come from different countries and use other words to describe the same concepts? How can you do your best if you don’t have enough time to learn and practice?

Is it fair to judge myself and my capabilities as if nothing were happening when there was so much going on?

Do you know what the most unfair thing is? If this happened to a friend and I focused on the facts only, I would be super understanding. Is it fair that I don't support myself in the same situation?

Signs that you are being unfair to yourself:

• You expect things to be perfect without taking into account any difficulties.  

• You are pushing yourself too hard. 

• You are holding unrealistic expectations. 

• You are assuming responsibilities that are not yours to take.

• Lack of appreciation for your efforts.

• Having recriminatory behaviour towards yourself for things that are out of your control.

• You don’t allow yourself to enjoy until everything is perfect.

Are your interpretations accurate?

Regardless of how difficult things might get, one of our biggest powers is the ability to choose what we think and how we decide to view our problems.

There are plenty of things that are outside our control. Trying to change them will give you the same results as banging your head up against the wall. The earlier we identify them, the better it will be for our mental health. 

I know it can be challenging, but the only thing you can always rely on is your power to choose how to view the situation. Our thoughts and our emotions are intertwined, which in turn influence our actions and reactions.

How we think about ourselves and our self-worth greatly influences our emotions, self-assurance, and our approach to life.

I understand that we want to be loved and appreciated, and I am all for it. Nothing wrong with that. The part when it gets tricky for us is when we think that our worth depends on our results. 

If we dig deeper we might find that we are not good enough. We need to do more to be appreciated. Nevertheless, it's important to remember that our thoughts alone don't necessarily reflect reality. This misconception can lead to numerous challenges. 

Our worth is much more than what we have, what we do and the things we own. Those aspects are another side of you. They matter, but they don’t define you.  

Let me ask you something. When you judge yourself, do you consider everything that you have accomplished? Are you aware of how you have made things better? Are you letting in the compliments that you get for your hard work?

Even if you don't take a moment to recognize your own efforts, it doesn't diminish the amazing things you're doing. The results may not be visible yet, but that doesn't make your actions less valuable or likely to succeed. And hey, just because you don't receive the response you hoped for from others, it doesn't mean you are not good enough.  

You are worthy of love the way you are. You are perfect with all your ‘imperfections’. Honestly, the only imperfect thing is our view of our self-worth.

Sings that your interpretations are not accurate: 

• You only see the problems/ things that need to be done.

• You are dismissing your achievements.

• You perceive your value as being derived from the validation of others.

The light at the end of the tunnel: is being a perfectionist a bad thing?

First of all, I see you. You are not alone. There are quite a few of us in the same predicament. 

We need to understand that this drive to be perfect has been there with us since we were young. It is normal to strive for perfection for us. It is part of who we are. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. It is about finding the right balance. Some positives are going on in our favour. 

Perfectionism is often associated with focusing on our next goal.  However, just because we often overlook our achievements doesn't mean others won't recognise and appreciate them!

If you think about it, being committed to your task and wanting to do a good job means you are practising it and doing your best. If you haven't mastered it already, it is only a matter of time before you become excellent at it.

I am sure that your customers or managers will be delighted to have you. It is not easy finding responsible people committed to what they do. That automatically puts us in a good position. 

Is having perfectionistic tendencies a bad thing? Not necessarily. The issue comes when we think our worth depends on results and factors outside our control.

This can lead us to be harsh and take it out on ourselves, being unkind and unfair to us and making interpretations of ourselves that generate stress, anxiety and fear. 

What can we do to relieve our perfectionism?

Honestly, I know the perfectionist in you might want this gone yesterday. I hear you. I am the same. But, as I mentioned earlier on, this is something that we have learned since we were little. 

I'd love to be able to share this amazing secret with you that would make everything all right! However, that is not quite how things work, my friend.

I hope you won't be upset with me for sharing my perspective, but I genuinely believe this is the right way. It's important to remember that just because you may not see the potential benefits in your present situation, doesn't mean they don't exist.

I don’t have a magic formula, but I have learned a few things that have helped me tremendously, and I would love to share them. Would you care to join me? Are you in? 

If you are, please sign up for my newsletter. You will receive an easy-to-follow guide to self-love (The Self-Love Map). Also, you will be notified when my blog posts are out.

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If not, that is grand. I wish you the very best in your journey. Be kind to yourself, ensure you are fair and make constructive interpretations. Come and say hi sometime. 

Food for thought:

• Which of these three reasons that might affect your relationship with yourself resonated the most with you? 

• Which are the smallest steps that you can take to reduce it? 

Thank you for reading this post. It is great having you here. Please feel free to share your thoughts and opinions. They can be helpful and inspiring for somebody else. 

Next post: 5 reasons why Judge Judy is your well-being guru